I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

October 31, 1998  Saturday

Well, I did it.  I broke up with Alex–and nothing has ever made me feel as low.  Yet it had to be done.  To keep it going would have been a greater travesty then telling her.

I think a few things contributed.  It seems from the very beginning she has had a Mr. Universe image or something about me.  While there is nothing wrong with that (it does wonders for your ego), it is difficult when I know how much she is into me.  I felt then like I was unintentionally being unfair to her, because while I liked her, it was obvious to me our levels of attraction were imbalanced.  For that reason, I did what might be the most difficult personal thing I have ever done– I broke someone’s heart.

When I woke up today I was unsure if it would happen today.  I talked about it with Collinsville and Jeremy, which helped.  I needed to know how I could do it as painlessly and kindly as possible.  I now do not think such a way exists.  Jeremy was surprised I would do it on Halloween, like it’s her birthday or something.

Later in the afternoon a message on my message from Alex to call her clinched it.  It wouldn’t be right, I reasoned, to gout out tonight and have fun with her, and then out of the blue walk away the next (not that this was coming out of nowhere for her anyway).  It was going to happen tonight.  God help me.

I called.  I did. That’s how it happened. I sat at my desk in my dorm room in Lincoln on the 12th Floor, having a view of the town that just caught her cluster of residence towers many blocks away.  She cried the entire time.  The worst part was when she asked for a reason–I legitimately couldn’t give one.  She hadn’t done a single thing wrong.  It was more of a sustained feeling inside me, and I couldn’t tell her that.  I wish I could have just told her anything, but that wouldn’t be right either.  She said I had no idea how she felt at the moment, but I had to say I did.



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